Reality x Fantasy

Eating Disorders

Sunday, 6 July 2014 • 23:24 • 0 comments

DISCLAIMER:
This is my personal thoughts and view on eating disorders.
This all comes from personal experiences and perspective.
And, do take note that I don't look like a thin or skinny girl. I am on the average or perhaps slightly above average scale.

"A normal person would say:
Tomorrow I'm going to eat healthy.
But inside my head... I have to get rid of the food as fast as possible."

I do not claim that what I'm facing here is of any sort of eating disorder. Perhaps it's just a sense of insecurity? I'm not certain as I have not seek 'professional' advice thus had never been proclaimed to have any of the known eating disorder today.

But one thing for sure, I am very insecure and cautious of my weight. Living in a word where we're told how to live our lives, manipulated multiple times, time after time, told what is 'beautiful' and what is not.. just everything.. everything feels like a threat now.

Growing up, I was a fat kid. I was very plump and bloated. I kid you not. And every day, you face people telling you and reminding you of how fat you are and how you should lose weight. Some of which from people with pure intentions of worrying about you and simply out of love and care and some others, ..well, perhaps just for the sake of saying so. But I was a kid, so what do I care? I didn't bother much and I lived as I like. I was happy and enjoyed the food that I eat. I was spoiled and fed my favorite things. I had a good life and honestly I was very well cared-for. It didn't seem to affect me much even though I knew for a fact that, yes, yes indeed I was fat. But little did I know that, that was the start of something big.

I came to an age where I started caring more. Noticing more of myself and my image. From being a kid who never felt disgusted about herself while looking into the mirror to a kid who starts picking on every flaw in her body. I disgust myself. The way I looked.. the fats on my cheeks, thighs, hips, etc. I hated them. All of them.

The comments on the other hand, never stopped. But things added up from then. It wasn't entirely the comments, but more onto me starting to compare myself to others. To your very own cousins, friends or random strangers from the magazine, on the street, etc. It made me feel more insecure as I started to give in to all these thoughts.

Eventually, I lost weight. I worked hard and lots almost 10kg within a few months. I was about 12 years old then. Thinking back at it now, ..dang, I was quite young. It's scary.. because..that was when everything started deteriorating till today, I still can't get over myself.

From losing those weights, I realized that I actually like receiving comments about how much better I looked, how much thinner I was and I liked being 'thinner'.

Without much thoughts, it grew into an obsession... Even though I still ate, but I've developed a strong consciousness about my weight.

Today, I am still living in fear about my weight and I can tell you that it's not easy. It's hard because on certain days you feel like you don't care and can eat all that you desire(of course a healthy way of eating, I don't mean forcefully over-stuffing yourself) and on others, you're just so scared to eat cause you can gain weight from it. From gaining weight, you start feeling all disgusted about yourself all over again and other feelings that comes with it.

Living a life like that, is a way of self-torture. You constantly don't feel good enough and constantly put yourself down and bash yourself for not being 'good' enough. You're always living in fear.

Again, it's not easy.. nor are you happy about it.

For many people and for me, we do know how miserable we're living our lives and we sure as heck know how unhappy we are about this. We're still conscious about what is good and what is not, what is right and what is wrong. We can tell that this is not good for us and that we should't do this to ourselves. But sometimes.. most of the time perhaps, we really can't help ourselves.

Many wants to go back to living a care-free life where you can just not bother as much about what or how you eat. A life where you're not afraid to try and explore. People who live such lifestyles look so much happier and content emotionally and spiritually compared to us.

Mind you, by me saying this, I don't mean a life where you just stuff yourself with lots and lots of food thinking that it's alright to do so cause it's my life, but rather, a life where you can just simply eat proper meals without struggling so hard and feeling guilty for doing so. It can also be a life where you're still physically active and eat right. But having these types of thoughts, even if you're physically active and you're not fat at all(say, a size 0) you can still face the same problems and feel guilty and other other feelings which I face too.

So it really does depends.

I am envious of those who can eat without having much of any struggles. (Again, I don't mean those who stuff their selves purposely).

The type of thoughts and my way of thinking, I know for a fact that it's unhealthy. It does scare me.. what makes thing worse is that just a few days ago, I freaked out about an egg having too much oil. I screamed a little upon the sight. I'm not kidding, I had one of which seemed like a panic attack. I felt so stressed and pressured, also I couldn't think straight. My breathing got my rapid and it was hard for me to catch a proper breath. I was on the verge of crying. I was just so boiled up with emotions(upset, anger, anxious). If I didn't control it, I am sure I would have had a break down and cried then.

That incident scared me.. it still freaks me out today. I have no idea why that happened to me nor why I felt that way. As fearful and insecure as I was all these years, I've never had it this bad. I'm scared......... I really don't know what is wrong with me....and I fear that it can develop into something much much more serious and worse from here......something far worse than this. And if that day happens... I know that my life would not be easy and also, I know that I would not be happy...

I know....... I'm trying to change.. trying to see things differently.. I am.. I am trying.... But it's not easy.. it's so so hard even though I know that it's not good for me and that I don't want to end up having a serious eating disorder. I know what I want, but this isn't an easy battle.

So to all the others who are fighting the same thing as I am, please, don't give up. I understand how hard things can be. But please.. let's do our best and hopefully it'll all turn out well!

And to the rest who doesn't, I hope this gives you a little insight of how it's like to live in these thoughts and perhaps if your friends do face such problems too, you'll be able to be more empathetic and compassionate about their struggles and situation.

P.s I do feel guilty that other children are starving in other parts of this world and I know it's wrong.
But hey, ..what we face here is a real dilemma too.

Good luck

Fight on! x

Labels: anorexic, blog, bulimia, dilemma, disorders, eating disorders, EDNOS, experience, fighting, first, help, hope, not alone, post, problems, stories, world

xoxo, DoReMi

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Annyeonghaseyo! I'm 브레나 but call me Do Re Mi :P I enjoy life. I'm just another typical teen-age girl. I have amazing friends in life. You're what keep me going. My surrounding motivates me. I'm not very good in English, especially in spelling, so I apologize. Asian;awesome. You Jelly? ;)

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